The Ministry of Unknown Science
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The Lab

-=The Ministry of Unknown Science Laboratory=-

Forming the backbone of the Ministry of Unknown Science are four scientific geniuses, or "Ministers."

  > DOCTOR FISTULA- Minister of Pink

Fistula’s singular obsession with sex informs all his scientific work, because to Fistula, everything except sex is beside the point. Doctor Fistula’s Ministry functions include keeping the lab animals "happy" and cleaning the bathroom floors, which he does by hand for a variety of bad reasons. Doctor Fistula’s motto? "If you can’t beat ‘em, scrotum."

  > ARMITAGE SHANKS - Minister of Joy

Armitage Shanks is the Ministry’s inexhaustible ray of positive energy. A smiling, energetic, impossibly upbeat person who never tires and exudes good vibrations no matter what the situation. Armitage also happens to have invented a long series of what he calls "medicines" that come in a rainbow of colors and which he constantly tests on himself. These two things are entirely unrelated.

  > PROFESSOR T - Minister of Rage

T is the closest thing the Ministry has to a true mad scientist. He is the id unleashed, pursuing science for the pure visceral rush of it.
T wants to make the lab rat scream. He wants to see sparks shooting out of giant churning gears. To T, any experiment that’s not designed to climax in black smoke and flying rubble is a waste of time. He is also, by virtue of his utter disdain for humanity, the Ministry’s PR man.

  > CAP'N SHADY - Minister of Water & Power

Cap’n Shady is the Ministry’s founder and twisted mastermind.
In the real world, he would be considered a dangerously unbalanced though undeniably attractive sociopath. But in the world of the Ministry, he’s "the sane one." The calm genius in the eye of the storm who always has a solution. In his spare time he is deciphering a radio transmission from outer space that he’s quite sure is an approaching alien army’s declaration of war.

The Ministers are aided in their endeavors by a qualified cabal of highly-classified conspirators.

Additional Cast:

Stuart Hedges
Stuart is the official Heavy Hitter™ of the Ministry. He has consistently played the most difficult roles with a smile, always available and ready to assault our audiences with his genius. Some of you might recognize him as the Happy Dancing Leprechaun or in his title role as Narc Monkey™. Stuart has also allowed the ministers to repeatedly break bottles over his head. Stuart is Ministry's Official employee of the month and gets the parking spot right in front of the lab next to the keg of Pabst
Ilana Kira
When she is not assisting the Ministry with their spot-on science, Ilana can be found around town acting, modeling, teaching Pilates, and painting her house red.
Cece Pleasants
CeCe Pleasants studied musical theatre at The American Musical and Dramatic Academy. After that, she did some writing and show-creating for the Oxygen Network; became a stand-up comedian; and co-created, wrote and performed in three live, full-length sketch shows, and the original series "Subway Soaps" - sketch comedy on the downtown 1-9 train - with her best pal (not in a gay way) and writing partner, Katie Massa. Thanks to planes and a shit-load of Vaseline, CeCe now lives in LA. She recently appeared in the independent film "First Time Caller." CeCe is grateful to MOUS for allowing her to be a part of the show - the burning sensation and spontaneous bleeding will eventually go away, but the memories of sharing the stage with those madcap merry-andrews will last a lifetime! Praise Jesus!
Montano Sokolow
Montano has racked up over 165 dog years in the Theater, with an impressive resume that spans almost an entire single page (double-spaced). Only half a Jew but all Lover, Tano is excited to be working with the Ministry. He claims to be able to name every Minister except Steve. Known by many in the group as "the talented one," or sometimes "simp," Tano prefers to remain nameless. Since joining the Ministry he is often stopped on the street and asked, "why are you sleeping in front of my house?" He has fantastic legs.

The Crew :

Producer - Timothy P. Walker
He doesn't want to talk any more about himself, see above.
Director - Colin "Gud" Doty
Colin Doty is the author of Death of a Salesman, The Atkins Diet, and The Bible. He was married to Marilyn Monroe sometime in the fifties. He currently leads the National League in ERA. He played the beloved television role of Punky Brewster for 143 years. He came to prominence with the hip hop collective NWA, and as the former President of the Czech Republic. He has slept with your wife and your husband. He likes Starburst jelly beans.
Video Director - David Spancer
David Spancer has been a fan of Muscular Dystrophy since the early 70s. Currently, he's the only married person who works on the Ministry of Unknown Science and has somehow kept his marriage together even though the project devours almost every available hour of his life. A snappy dresser with a penchant for ascots and handkerchiefs, David was once a runway model for the the "Garanimals" fashion line.
Assistant Director/Stage Manager- Holly Rose Larson
Just a Steel Town girl, Holly Rose Larson graduated with a degree in Dramaturgy from Carnegie Mellon University, then fled her beloved hometown in search of life as a city mouse. Living with adult film stars helped her get a job researching miracles for Holier-Than-Thou TV, followed by many years of delusional self-importance and creating sets for movies. After being banned from the Academy for painting her name on the silver screen, she is captioning by day, experimenting with the Ministry of Unknown Science by night.


Previous Director's Assistant- Anna Woo
Anna Woo - For two years, Anna wrangled drag queens for "Quest for the Crown" - an Aid for AIDS benefit. She has prodded, pushed, and pulled on stage: stiltwalkers, fire spinners, go-go dancers, drummers, and strippers. Anna also counts two productions of Equus, one production of Three Sisters, and zero productions of The King and I among her long list of credits. Anna finds it discomforting to speak of herself in the third person, but will tell you that she roller skated on the Great Wall of China and wields the Pool Cue of Justice™.

Super Genius - Alex Mackay
Alex has been working on the Ministry shows for quite some time now. You've probably seen him. He's the one walking around the lab barefoot and removing stuff or actors off of the stage during one of the shows, but Alex's abilities go far beyond that. He has built, fixed, created, rubbed, tickled and fancied just about everything cool with the show. A tireless worker, Alex has always been there for the show whenever we needed him, often staying later than anyone in order to get the job done. Alex will be the official employee of the month for the Ministry in the year of 2006 and will get the parking spot from Stuart as of January 1st.

Lighting Design - Your Pal Matt Shaw
Matt has had an extensive career with theater and performance, but he was too lazy to send a bio in, so we're just going to make one up for him. Matt Shaw has reigned as the Southwest Region Champion Nattie-light drinker for the past 7 years. He holds the Guinness Book of World Records record for the most consecutive electrocutions while sleeping. Hailing from Orange County, Matt's looking for a quality girl that he could possibly bugger after a few drinks. Please, no fatties.

God Among Men - Wicked Elmo Martin
When the MOUS has been in a pinch, Elmo Martin has delivered. He can pretty much build anything you want, so long as there's enough time. A fantastic poet and welder in his own right, Elmo is a great friend to the Ministry and a fairly decent line dancer as well.
Carpentry and Fabrication - Nick Radell
Otherwise known as "Smoke Daddy," Nick is another actual professional who works on our show while the rest of us are merely imposters. If it wasn't for him, there would have never been a Ministry, as his carpentry skills alone made the first ever Ministry show possible. He has built the science consoles for us twice now and doesn't complain about how we broke the other ones because of our blood and fudge fights. If you need anything built out of wood, this is your man.

MOUS Webbery:

Ernesto Johnson - Chief Technological Officer
While Ernesto has somewhat retired from the MOUS webbery, he continues to sit in as our chief technological officer. Basically he's here to make this site look good because the other people who work on it have absolutely no idea what they are doing. If it wasn't for him, we'd all be retarded.

©2005 MOUS Informational Services, Ltd. All rights reserved.